A change, an epiphany, and December 1st
Dec. 1st, 2006 11:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zessaToday was a day of changes, both in terms of the weather and a little of my world view.
First the easy topic, the Weather. I think everyone has heard of the huge snow storm that struck the Midwest. We didn't get any of the snow but damn did we get the cold. Yesterday we had a record high of 74 degrees, today? We were lucky to break above freezing. But what caused the huge problems was the wind... 45 to 50 mile an hour gusts. The University lost power twice, which was actually kinda fun. I was ten minuets into a Latin translation test when the power went out the first time. I walked over to one of the tiny ass windows in the class room and sat Indian style and did my work. It was kinda nice... I got to spread all my sheets and books out rather than trying to fit them all on a tiny desk. People huddled around the windows and emergency light trying to translate Latin, it was a fitting end for the semester. The power came on about an hour later and then we lost it again 30 minutes after that. I was in the library at the time and you could hear the groan when all the computers went out. It's the last week of school, half those people were probably trying to print out papers. The power came on 45 minutes later and stayed on, but it was quite the adventure.
I'm gonna digress here, but it was so obvious which buildings were built before say, 1930 and which weren't just by how the classrooms were when the power was out. In the humanities building, a nice 1980's cube building with slit windows, it was near impossible to see unless you were right on top of a window. The History building, with its huge windows, well, when the lights came back on the only way we knew something had changed was the color. I'm such a dork, but the way the architecture reflects what kinda technology was cheap and readily available at the time just fascinates me. The 1930's buildings... mostly natural light except the hallway... the 80's building? Natural light? What natural light?
But back to the changes. For the past few months, I've doubted myself so much when it comes time to my singing. In opera workshop I've felt like I don't belong, that I'm just a hanger on... in choir I was starting to compare myself to this one girl that was around my sophomore year, a seniorish person who had dropped out of the music school that no one respected. "God, she's not even a student anymore, what the hell is she still doing here" I knew in the back of my mind that that wasn't the case. The Chorale is open to any student at U of L who can hack it, but tell that to my emotions. Tell that to my vastly underdeveloped sense of self worth.
This semester Michael (the acting coach) gave me a huge kick in the ass and Mrs. Lloyd threw a really fucking hard piece at me. I mean, this thing had runs the size of Texas and I'd never done that kinda music before. I knew at the get go, I was going to fail. Part of me then said "what the hell, I'll give it a shot." That's what I do best; throw myself at walls never expecting any positive results from it.
I did it, not only did I manage to get it learned; I did most of the hard work by myself. I went to my voice teacher with the thing 95% learned...and a week later I had it memorized. Yeah, me, memorize something in a week.
I'm performing the aria on Monday, in front of the voice faculty, which includes Mrs. Tidwell. A woman who added stress to my already fragile psyche back in the dark ages. When I expressed hw nervous I was about this to Michael, he basically told me that I'm gonna completely freak out the voice faculty, even if my staging goes to pot and I forget lines, it's still gonna freak them out. I asked why...the basic reply? This is the best you've sounded in 3 years, trust me, you're gonna come out of nowhere.
Somewhere in my head, even though I told myself leaving the music school didn't make me a failure; I've never let myself believe it. That it was my fault somehow, that there was even fault to be had in the situation.
I sit there, watching them work on the scene after me, and somehow it finally clicked, crappy weather, emotional rollercoaster, 16th century style Latin test and all. I gave myself permission to believe... I can do whatever the fuck I want to do, and you know? It's ok. I can go to New York with a contact I know and go to auditions, screw the music school. I can go be a history teacher with a Latin minor, screw the music school. I have been so much harder on myself for a perceived 'failure' than I need to be. For the past few years I've let that place define my identity...Maybe in some sick twisted way, I've been trying to seek approval from a place I know is never gonna give it.
I don't need it; I can go do whatever I want, whatever makes me happy. I'm not out to get my parents approval, or somebody in the music school. I need to do what I want to do.
Its funny how one day, with funky weather, an adventure in pre-electricity schooling and an epiphany all come together to completely change your outlook. Maybe the shrink finally found the right med cocktail. It's entirely possible.
Now my problem...what the hell makes me happy. But that's a topic for another entry... another very very LONG entry.
First the easy topic, the Weather. I think everyone has heard of the huge snow storm that struck the Midwest. We didn't get any of the snow but damn did we get the cold. Yesterday we had a record high of 74 degrees, today? We were lucky to break above freezing. But what caused the huge problems was the wind... 45 to 50 mile an hour gusts. The University lost power twice, which was actually kinda fun. I was ten minuets into a Latin translation test when the power went out the first time. I walked over to one of the tiny ass windows in the class room and sat Indian style and did my work. It was kinda nice... I got to spread all my sheets and books out rather than trying to fit them all on a tiny desk. People huddled around the windows and emergency light trying to translate Latin, it was a fitting end for the semester. The power came on about an hour later and then we lost it again 30 minutes after that. I was in the library at the time and you could hear the groan when all the computers went out. It's the last week of school, half those people were probably trying to print out papers. The power came on 45 minutes later and stayed on, but it was quite the adventure.
I'm gonna digress here, but it was so obvious which buildings were built before say, 1930 and which weren't just by how the classrooms were when the power was out. In the humanities building, a nice 1980's cube building with slit windows, it was near impossible to see unless you were right on top of a window. The History building, with its huge windows, well, when the lights came back on the only way we knew something had changed was the color. I'm such a dork, but the way the architecture reflects what kinda technology was cheap and readily available at the time just fascinates me. The 1930's buildings... mostly natural light except the hallway... the 80's building? Natural light? What natural light?
But back to the changes. For the past few months, I've doubted myself so much when it comes time to my singing. In opera workshop I've felt like I don't belong, that I'm just a hanger on... in choir I was starting to compare myself to this one girl that was around my sophomore year, a seniorish person who had dropped out of the music school that no one respected. "God, she's not even a student anymore, what the hell is she still doing here" I knew in the back of my mind that that wasn't the case. The Chorale is open to any student at U of L who can hack it, but tell that to my emotions. Tell that to my vastly underdeveloped sense of self worth.
This semester Michael (the acting coach) gave me a huge kick in the ass and Mrs. Lloyd threw a really fucking hard piece at me. I mean, this thing had runs the size of Texas and I'd never done that kinda music before. I knew at the get go, I was going to fail. Part of me then said "what the hell, I'll give it a shot." That's what I do best; throw myself at walls never expecting any positive results from it.
I did it, not only did I manage to get it learned; I did most of the hard work by myself. I went to my voice teacher with the thing 95% learned...and a week later I had it memorized. Yeah, me, memorize something in a week.
I'm performing the aria on Monday, in front of the voice faculty, which includes Mrs. Tidwell. A woman who added stress to my already fragile psyche back in the dark ages. When I expressed hw nervous I was about this to Michael, he basically told me that I'm gonna completely freak out the voice faculty, even if my staging goes to pot and I forget lines, it's still gonna freak them out. I asked why...the basic reply? This is the best you've sounded in 3 years, trust me, you're gonna come out of nowhere.
Somewhere in my head, even though I told myself leaving the music school didn't make me a failure; I've never let myself believe it. That it was my fault somehow, that there was even fault to be had in the situation.
I sit there, watching them work on the scene after me, and somehow it finally clicked, crappy weather, emotional rollercoaster, 16th century style Latin test and all. I gave myself permission to believe... I can do whatever the fuck I want to do, and you know? It's ok. I can go to New York with a contact I know and go to auditions, screw the music school. I can go be a history teacher with a Latin minor, screw the music school. I have been so much harder on myself for a perceived 'failure' than I need to be. For the past few years I've let that place define my identity...Maybe in some sick twisted way, I've been trying to seek approval from a place I know is never gonna give it.
I don't need it; I can go do whatever I want, whatever makes me happy. I'm not out to get my parents approval, or somebody in the music school. I need to do what I want to do.
Its funny how one day, with funky weather, an adventure in pre-electricity schooling and an epiphany all come together to completely change your outlook. Maybe the shrink finally found the right med cocktail. It's entirely possible.
Now my problem...what the hell makes me happy. But that's a topic for another entry... another very very LONG entry.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-02 02:02 pm (UTC)Sing it, baby. You've taken the first steps by making sure that you get the training you need, which was my failing.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-05 12:29 am (UTC)